Note: More to Life with Faith and Lois is designed to be heard, not read. We hope you’ll listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that won’t be on this page. Our transcripts are generated with speech recognition software and may contain errors. 

 

Lois                        

Welcome to the podcast, More to Life with Faith and Lois.

Faith                   

I’m Faith

Lois                          

And I’m Lois.

Faith                      

Our podcast explores life’s many transitions that inspire and daunt us.

Lois                       

Hello Faith and welcome back.

Faith

Hi Lois, Good morning to you.

Lois                         

Oh, it is such a beautiful morning. These summers have been interesting in Colorado to say the least. I don’t know where you are but it’s pretty hot where we are.

Faith                    

But it’s green.

Lois                        

It’s beautifully green. Oh my goodness. Yes. Traveling here and far near and wide. It’s been just beautiful and you know, this week has been one to get a glimpse of moments of wisdom and I started picking it out from neighbors of all things. One of my neighbors who has such great advice for me in my garden came over and shared something and I realized, you know, I see her as the wise sage of our neighborhood gardens just because she knows what she’s doing. And I took it in and it was just, she was so kind about it. It felt so good to recognize, wow, she’s really wise in gardening.

Faith                     

Isn’t it? I mean, you can tell there’s a deep, not only just a knowledge, but an experience and a feeling that they have that goes beyond just what they know.

Lois                       

I love that. So if you didn’t get a chance to listen to our last podcast, please go back and check it out. It was Episode 84 – and and share this podcast after you’re done. We would love to read your comments wherever you listen and whatever’s easiest for you. And we do respond. And we also have a newsletter that we send out every week, and you can sign up for that at www.moretolifewithfaithandlois.com. So when’s the last time you got so excited about a new adventure or a different job? Only to be severely disappointed. Episode 85 Transition: The Impact of Disillusionment.

Faith                     

Oh, we don’t like that. No disillusionment really feels like a heavy, wet blanket, right? Yeah. Just kind of falls on you and just sits there. What we really want to address here today is yes, some of these normal feelings that come up when we do have the hits of moments in life where we’re disillusioned. But on the other side of that, how to move through it and that there’s something that you can receive as a result of going through times of disillusionment.

Lois                       

Disillusionment is defined as a feeling of disappointment and it’s a discovery that something isn’t as good as you believed it was going to be. So you had an idea, you went for it, and it didn’t turn out quite as you thought. Faith, it is no fun to have a bubble burst, especially when you’re expecting something. Um, how do you manage those moments in life?

Faith                   

Uh, hit a pillow. That might be the first thing. Get a pillow. No, that’s the whole thing is that you’re going to have to go through the initial impact when there is that kind of bigger than life disappointment. We have disappointments in life at some of those big ones can really pull you down into a place of disillusionment. Like, what have I done? Why did I do this? Lots of negative thoughts can come up like a rushing stream pretty quickly. We’re going to talk about how we face some of this and own it, but not live there because this isn’t the final end. This isn’t the final story. And anything we face that is difficult has a richness of truth and development and I always say call them the gems that are hidden and we need to find those because you don’t go through times of disillusionment just to suffer. You go through them to grow and to develop and to learn how to do life better for yourself.

Lois                       

You know, one of the disillusionments I recall facing was a relationship that I had many moons ago and it was interesting because I dove into this relationship knowing how opposite this person and I were and I thought, you know what? I’ve never done the whole opposite attracts kind of thing. And this might really be helpful for me who was just such a, you know, go getter like type A and doing all this. I chose somebody completely different from that in terms of their lifestyle. And I know this is not gonna come as a surprise that it didn’t work, but, but it didn’t work. But it was such a disappointment for me because I had set my sights that maybe I could do something differently as an adult. Maybe I could accept or have room for whatever it was, but there was such a disharmony that it was never bound to work. And it wasn’t the other person’s fault. It wasn’t my fault. It was that the two of us together were oil and vinegar. I mean, it just, it, we could not blend. There is not a way that that could blend. But that was a disillusionment for me because I had set my sights out on something that I thought would be really beautiful and I was heartbroken. And so I had to work through that to realize, well, that wasn’t going to work. And what did it teach me? Well, it taught me to embrace something very beautiful that I ended up getting at the end of the day with my current husband because I found somebody that was my equal. But I had to go through that disillusionment to say that won’t work and what will work.

Faith                    

And that’s the growth that I speak of is that it was painful. It was difficult. What you went through by being disillusioned was very hard, but you learn something, yes, it didn’t work. And that’s one of the biggest things that we can learn is something didn’t work here. Something didn’t come together. What was it? And now what did I learn and how can I make those changes in my life so that it will work better?

Lois                      

Often what we are disillusioned about is the bigger picture that the world in which we live is not friendly and that people who don’t see us don’t even want us to succeed. So if you’re in the middle of that type of transition, it can really be daunting. We’re not going to leave you there because this is a big disillusionment. First we want to explore how we become disillusioned and then we’d love to take a look at ways to restore some joy back into your life. So what are some of those things that bring you down to earth and leave you feeling a bit crushed? Well, I think you can look around the society in general. Maybe like today, right?

Faith                   

It’s kind of all around us, right? Yes. There’s a lot of tension and a lot of fear that some people are walking in and a hopelessness that begins to build as they look at the circumstances of life and in our society. And um, from all sides, from all different perspectives. Everyone is really, there’s a heaviness that a lot of people are carrying right now as to what’s going to happen and why isn’t this working the way I would like to see it work? And that goes, that’s that whole image we have of it should look a certain way. And when it doesn’t, we can begin to be disillusioned.

Lois                      

That is a big piece of disillusionment. We feel like people don’t care, right? So they’re actually trying to hurt us in some way. And you know, some of that is really real and we want to address that because for some of us right now, we may feel that very ugly disillusionment. Another way is that the dream house or the dream place you wanted so badly has turned into a money pit. You’ve been fixing it up, you’ve been doing all sorts of things and just, you know, you’re so discouraged because you thought this was going to be what you wanted and settled into.

Faith                   

Anything that we have a vision for of what it could be and what we want it to be. And then we find, oh my gosh, this is so much more work. So much more money, so much more time. You’re fighting with your spouse, your significant other, and it’s like it’s not working and all kinds of different things. Yeah, it just crushes us. And then we go, why did I ever start this? Why did I, what was I thinking? And that’s where we can get really disillusioned.

Lois                        

We beat ourselves up. You know, years ago my husband and I bought a home in San Francisco and this is when our boys were really small and we needed to build something down there for my parents who were going to move into this flat. And so we had to have our home, like put up on stilts so we could fix the foundation. It was all done legally with all the permits and the processes. But our neighbors were very, very upset that we’d put the stilts up there and they sued us for emotional distress. We had to live near the neighbors, so we had to go to court. I mean, it was one of those horrible things. By the way, they won and we couldn’t get out of it. But I remember thinking, what have we done? Right? I am so disillusioned that I thought we could have a nice place to be. It was a very difficult few years.

Faith                    

It is – it just kind of pulls the rug out from underneath you. Right. And that’s, that’s disillusionment for sure.

Lois                      

Yeah. And another one is you get a new job that you have been looking forward to for so long and it doesn’t turn out like you want.

Faith                    

That is a huge disappointment which can really take you into those feelings, those deep feelings of despair, of hopelessness, of a failure. And that’s where disillusionment begins to rise up and take hold is because we have this underlying negative feelings and they can really get a grip on us for sure. And you know, and along with that is be careful because a lot of times when we move into what we think or believe it will be, we can get into fantasy and we need to be able to discern the difference between what is reality and what is my fantasy. Because we get so disillusioned more often than we realize when the fantasy doesn’t come true. And we need to be on guard for that.

Lois                      

So we in a moment are going to take a look at ways to switch this thought of disillusionment, which can really bug you and we’ll talk about that in a moment. But we also want to let you know that our podcast today is sponsored by A Stepping Stone.

Faith                 

We know that seeking help for addiction or mental health disorder can be overwhelming.

Lois                       

That’s why we’re excited to tell you about A Stepping Stone in Colorado’s Greenwood village. They specialize in substance abuse disorders and have staff who work with patients from any background.

Faith                

Whether you’re challenged by substance addiction needs, psychiatric evaluation and treatment or marriage and family therapy, their staff includes psychologists, medical social workers, psychiatrist and counselors.

Lois                       

A Stepping Stone offers solution focused therapy, psychosomatic psychotherapy, EMDR, cognitive behavioral therapy, family therapy and much more.

Faith

They’re open from nine to five and weekend and after hours by appointment. Call them right now at 303-942-0512.

Lois                         

You can also go online and check out all their services at www.steppingstonenow.com. Discover how you can start this life changing process today. And we’re so grateful for A Stepping Stone for being our very first sponsor. Well, maybe you’ve been in this space of disillusionment for quite some time and here is some news for you. Being disillusioned actually changes nothing. In fact, it’ll take everything from you if you only look at the world through that disillusioned lens. So, so what can you do about it?

Faith                    

Well, it’s changing that Lens, right? Because if you just continue to look through that lens of disillusionment, you’re gonna stay there for a very long time. So begin to recognize, yes, this is what I really feel and then let’s move on into understanding it and beginning to say, what are my options? What can I do instead? That instead piece is so critical to moving out from where you are into where you are going.

Lois                        

You know, when we feel disillusioned, we kind of feel like we’re alone. Like everything has gone bad around us and we’re the only one that feels this. So we would like to inform you because I’m just disillusioned on a regular basis, that disillusionment is normal. When we have hopes and we have expectations and we have new relationships, we go in sometimes with fantasy and sometimes with real concrete hope that things are going to turn out a certain way and they don’t. So it is really normal to have these kinds of things happen. And when the reality that we’re looking for, it doesn’t take hold. So one of the first steps is to realize that this is just sad, difficult and normal.

Faith                     

Yeah, it is a part of life. Yes. Life is not a dream trip, as we all know, because we face the different difficulties in life. And this was one of the difficulties. There’s disappointment, there’s disillusionment, there’s a whole different shift of, Oh, I was here and now it’s not there. And now where am I going? And that’s a part of life. But it can be the very catalyst that can take you into something richer.

Lois                       

In fact, use your disillusionment to make a change. Celestine Chua has written this great article on www.personalexcellence.co and it’s titled how to deal with disillusionment as you grow older. She actually challenges us to realize that even though disillusionment feels awful, it’s better than ignorance, which is a really interesting comment. So for those of us who are frustrated with our society and we are angry about certain ways that things are going, when we acknowledge that this world and our communities and whatever it is is filled with problems, we come face to face with reality and that may be what it takes to spur us on to make a change.

Faith                     

I love that. That is so good because it is exactly what I’ve been alluding to is that these moments in time can be the very important nudge that moves us into something so much better and she has said that beautifully.

Lois                       

Isn’t that great? I love this idea that when you finally accept or acknowledge that something isn’t the way it really should be or the way you want it to be or that you believe is actually wrong, then that’s the first step that maybe you’re going to make a change. You can also use that disillusionment to take from that step from making a change to prompt action. I mean, you’re a therapist. I’m a life coach and I really know that if you don’t identify what it is that’s keeping you stuck, you can’t move.

Faith                   

No, you’re pretty immobilized. Right, and that’s the important thing is that when to identify those things that are holding you back, you’re willing to step into the mess and say, enough, that’s it. I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore. Right? Let’s do something different. But it’s only when you move through it and you kind of feel that, that you can actually get to that place of saying, I’ve reached it. I’m not taking another step in this. And what you can do about it then is to begin make a plan, begin to think about the positive things. Like, okay, what did I learn? What did I gain, what went wrong, how could I have done it differently? And all those are questions you begin to ask of yourself so that you can begin to say, now I can take this and I can move forward into something better because it’s there. Life doesn’t stop at disillusionment. It only stops if we let it. That’s right. If that’s our drop off point, you’re going to be disillusioned for a very long time. And I think we can all probably say, yeah, I know this disillusion person who’s been this way, as long as I’ve known them, nothing works. They’re totally hopeless that they’re kind of the Eeyores of life. Right? But that’s looking at it through that lens. But what if you take what you’ve experienced and you change it and you go, and this is what I learned and now I see it this way.

Lois                       

And then from that point when you’ve learned it, when you say, I see it this way, challenge yourself to move on. You know, there is a sting of disillusionment. There’s no doubt about that. When you feel this, like, oh, I made this choice in a relationship that didn’t work out or I, I took this job that is not working out for me. So if you stay with that sting only, then it will really start to grow and magnify around you. But if you start taking care of yourself, even in the midst of that, there is a chance that you can move on. Faith, you have a great thing that you talk about watching a funny movie, you know, listening to music. I mean those kinds of things can start taking us away from this sting that’s all around us.

Faith                   

It certainly does and we’re talking to a good friend and getting some truth into you when you can’t see it for yourself in that moment. We tend to think that when we’re disillusioned we have to get through it all on our own and we have to kind of suffer in silence in our disillusionment. And that’s the worst thing we can do. What we can do is to call someone, call a friend, call somebody that is our mentor or if you are in therapy, call your therapist and spend some time in there on that because getting the truth in about what really is happening cause they can see it differently than you can in that moment. Get that input. All of that is a way to move on.

Lois                      

And it’s still taking care of yourself because when you’re disillusioned, one of the things you that may go by the wayside is how you treat yourself. Because a lot of times our disillusionment because we made that choice, we are angry at ourselves – or feel shame. Yes. And we want to run and hide and then we carry it around. Eeyore is the best example. It’s not going to work – I just saw Christopher Robin the other day, so it’s kind of fresh on my mind. But you know, it’s really interesting that if we don’t deal with this disillusionment, that’s the first thing people will see when they greet us.

Faith                   

Absolutely. And that’s not worth, that’s just not worth living life that way day after day. Right?

Lois                        

So we hope that you will look at the ways that we have shared what disillusionment is and how to go through it so that you can see that disillusionment doesn’t have to be the end of your story.

Faith                    

Following anything we anticipate in our lives, we may encounter a let down. Sit with it and know that this too shall pass.

Lois                      

Your disillusionment might be there to prompt you to do something you never imagined. Who knows?

Faith                    

Please share this podcast with someone you know who’s disillusioned about a particular event and offer them another way to consider their options.

Lois                      

And join us next week for Transition the Impact of Dreams.

Faith                  

Get the latest news on our social media platforms and on our website and please subscribe.

Lois                       

More to Life with Faith and Lois is a podcast to support, encourage and uplift you.

Faith                  

As you transition through all sorts of change, we want you to know there is more to life.

Lois                       

We’ll be back next week.