Note: More to Life with Faith and Lois is designed to be heard, not read. We hope you’ll listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that won’t be on this page. Our transcripts are generated with speech recognition software and may contain errors.
Lois
Welcome to the podcast More to Life with Faith and Lois.
Faith
I’m Faith.
Lois
And I’m Lois.
Faith
Our podcast explores the things you face in life that inspire and daunt you.
Lois
Good morning Faith.
Faith
Good morning, Lois. How are you doing this week?
Lois
Well, it’s been a week of practicing. I didn’t realize until we talked about speaking your truth and using your voice in relationships, how much I need to practice more on certain things. And so there were times where I actually thought ahead of how I wanted to present something and I worked on bringing it down, as you suggested to some of your clients to one sentence and boy is that powerful Faith.
Faith
It is powerful, and we can say so much with less.
Lois
So we are really glad to hear that a few of you are also being courageous and sharing your truth with kindness. Today we’re gonna move on to your body, and how you can set yourself up for many great things using your body to find your voice.
Faith
Mm hmm. This is gonna be fun.
Lois
So, if you have missed any of our podcasts, please go back to www.moretolifewithfaithandlois.com or on your favorite podcast platform, by the way, they have a full library of all of our episodes, and we have a weekly newsletter so you can get these podcasts in your email. We would love it. If you want to join us for that. Today, we bring you a wonderful episode. What does finding your voice look like in your body?
Faith
Wow, this is gonna be fun and very interesting because oftentimes, we do not realize how many verbal cues we are giving off by how we express ourselves in our body, our facial expressions, our arms, our legs are posturing, just our kind of underlying happiness. or happiness, they all give off messages. And we need to know. And remember that the world is reading us continually. Just as we are reading other people we are made to observe and to respond to the cues that our body gifts off.
Lois
It’s so funny because we do notice it and other people. Right, right. And then when people say to us, well, you look like we mean, like that. And the first thing I’ll do if I see somebody, you know, he or she really looked like. So it goes both ways. I know. Yeah, but we forget, we’re a part of that. That’s right, you know, and I still remember a time years ago, I was in San Francisco, and I was, you know, going to a meeting and I was late and I was walking and I had my pack with me and I had all my gear, and I was walking. I was just looking at my feet looking straight ahead and just, you know, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna say? And I ended up at a stoplight, and a gentleman was right next to me, and he looked at me, he goes, you know, a smile would make all the difference in the world. I thought, who are you? Why don’t you dare say that to me. I didn’t say that out loud. But I thought what? And I realized that the way I was walking, I was so intense, and I probably looked so severe that I might have frightened him. And that was such an interesting comment to just say, you know, a smile. And so when he left, after being a little ticked off, I thought about it, and I started moving my face a little bit, and I realized, oh, if I’m smiling, and then when people come up and go next to me, they might smile back. And sure enough, that’s exactly what happened. That was his kind of like, cue that do you have to be this intense? Is that meeting that important? And he didn’t know where I was going what I was doing, but it made me realize that somebody had noticed that and was kind enough to say it in that way. A smile would make a big difference.
Faith
That was a loving messenger.
Lois
I’m not sure I’m ever bold enough to do that. But it did. It did change the rest of my walk.
Faith
Uh huh. That’s awesome. But that is exactly what we’re going to be talking about here today is just the messages that we not only receive, but what we give off in our body speaks volumes, whether we realize it or not.
Lois
So we are so excited for this. We can’t wait to unpack some of these areas, but maybe put some of this on the backburner. You’re not thinking about it, because there’s other things. So we’re going to just put some heat under that today. So we want to thank Dr. Emma Seppala. And she wrote “eight ways your body speaks way louder than your words And you can find that at www.PsychologyToday.com. And Peter Economy wrote a really great piece in www.ink.com. And it was called “18 ways to send the right message with body language.” So we’re not going to have all these different ways, but they gave us a little bit of an idea of where to go with this because, you know, making a good impression is important to all of us. And science actually tells us that up to 90% of our communications with others is nonverbal, that is pretty darn high.
Faith
I know and our minds and, and our whole nervous system is picking up those cues, because it is all about survival. It’s about how we live and move and breathe and interact with other people. This is how we know when we’re safe when we’re not safe, when we should engage when we shouldn’t. Those are important cues that is natural, and we’re just a part of us. But we tend to forget. And then we don’t remember that we can actually change them just like you did on the street. That’s right, by smiling, you made the choice. Hey, wait a minute, I can make an adjustment here. And we can make more adjustments than we realize.
Lois
And this is so cool, because this isn’t all personality driven. If you say, Well, I’m this type of person, that’s great. And that’ll help influence a lot of things. But you can also engage with people so that they want to return that engagement. And that’s what we’re talking about today. When we talk about good impression. It’s not just so that you can be liked by more people. Maybe it’s so that you can get a job. Maybe so you engage with your clients or your co workers and find a different way that Oh, when they see you in this light, it’s different.
Faith
Mm hmm. How many times have you had somebody that you went, Wow, this is a really I’m not sure about this person feels this person feels really, really angry and tense. And then you get to know them. And then there actually have a sense of humor. And there’s like, Who is this person? And so they have positioned themselves in a certain way in a certain situation, because they’re protecting themselves or because they believe they need to be that way. So we can place judgments on people based on how we perceive them. Well, that’s also true of us, of how people can perceive and judge us and we don’t like to be judged. And we get reactionary when we’re judged just like you mentioned. So we’re this is what we’re talking about today. How we can be aware, being aware again, makes a big difference.
Lois
And when you are looking to speak up and find your voice, your body can actually help you a great deal. And the first one is what we first offered was facial expression. You know what, what is your resting facial expression? If you think about it, you know, when you’re walking, when you’re driving, monitor that, like wherever you are right now, if you’re listening to this podcast, what is your facial expression? And I think about that during the day. And sometimes you know that we’re not always going to be smiling. We don’t want you to be fake, but think about how you are being received by others. When you open the door, if somebody knocks on your door that you didn’t expect, you know, a delivery person, are you are you cheerful? Do you have a smile for them? Or do you look hostile immediately that somebody might be invading your space
Faith
That’s really good. Yeah, that defensive mode, that type thing. And it’s really to it’s about not just having to change like you said, being honest. But that’s key. Like if you go to work and you’re not feeling well or you’re not, or you’ve gone through something very difficult. You’re going and you’re and somebody says, Are you okay? And you’re young, fine. No, you’re not. It’s just been read, you’re not fine. So what are you going to say? If you really can’t perk up? You really can’t change that day? What are you going to say, to be honest and to be truthful about what’s really going on?
Lois
And maybe if you can’t bring a smile, or bring big laughter in your facial expression, you could at least find something more neutral. Yeah. So that you don’t look like you’re scowling. Right. So I think the idea being is we all know when we meet somebody that you mentioned before, who looks so angry and they’re disgusted. And that’s the look that we try to avoid. If we’re trying to make a good impression, or we’re trying to relate on a zoom call. So many of us are on these calls. So now instead of just being on a phone call, people can see us people can see how we’re responding to things. Consider what it is you look like when you do that. And if you need to test, you can test it on zoom, you can test it in front of mirror, you can tell at different places, and what do you look like when you’re kind of resting? And you’re not engaged? Do you look angry? Or do you look interested.
Faith
And another part about the development of this within yourself or your body that can help is that if you focus in on what is going to be my standard, my ongoing standard of who I am in life. For instance, I have worked really hard over the years in developing, that my joy can never be taken from me. So no matter what my circumstances are, I may react to those I may actually not feel well, or I may feel sad, or I may be grieving, but I’m holding that joy unmovable inside of me. So even in the midst of that I can still bring something into whatever I’m facing. And I think that’s, that’s so important for us. What is really valuable and who do I want to be known as, and how do I really develop that so that my circumstances and never changed that.
Lois
So think about what Faith just said and how that can change up the room when you’re trying to find your voice in your body. If you are having that attitude, you can’t take this away from me, you can say what you want, I can get ticked off, but you will not take this away from me,that’s a very powerful position.
Faith
It is it is. And that way you can still step into whatever it is you have to and be able to be honest and truthful about it. But at the core of your being, is joy and goodness and love and life and purpose. And if you don’t have that, that’s a really good thing to begin to develop and to work on.
Lois
So as we look at some of these nonverbal cues, another place that you can check to see where your body is hanging out is your eye contact. Oh, and this is a biggie.
Faith
Oh, and this is a biggie. This is such a biggie so much as spoken through eye contact or lack of and one of the key things about dropping your eye contact from someone, oftentimes EMS is embarrassment and usually fueled by shame. And we don’t always realize that but there’s something an awkwardness or shame, and any of these things that we do if you become more aware of what your body is doing, they’re your teachers. They’re giving you information about why do it. Why am I feeling this way around this person right now? I feeling less than feeling inadequate. We don’t want to make that eye contact. And here’s another one is the fact that it is also about intimacy. Oh, this is too close. I need to I need to look away. Now. You might know me. That doesn’t feel safe. Oh, where did that come from? And what is that about? So don’t just be discouraged. If you find yourself doing that. Go home, reflect on it, journal about it and find out where it’s coming from.
Lois
And then remember that you can bring it back and that if you’re in a conversation with someone who’s feeling all those things, you’re mentioning faith, and they don’t want to look at you keep looking at them. I don’t say stare them down, but keep looking at them for that off chance that they sneak back and they see that you haven’t given up. So because it’s a barometer about connection, and there may be a break in the connection for whatever reason, and we can’t fix everything and you can’t get everybody to look at you. It’s not gonna happen, but you are totally in control of being able to look at everyone with whom you speak. That’s so true. So true. So keep that out. And then and then the tone of voice. Oh, my goodness, is this important? If you want to actually find your voice in your body? Your tone of voice is so critical. You can say something really awful with a syrupy, smarmy tone and really kind with a syrupy smile. I mean, we know what you mean. That’s what I’m trying to say.
Faith
Kind of like bless your heart. You know, we Now know what that means. And that’s but that that’s what we’re talking about is you can, you can say things that you intend to be a job or a blessing. And again, it’s your choice. And you can lift somebody up, you can lift yourself up, or you can trash yourself and trash somebody else.
Lois
Yeah. And if you’re really in a hyper state, and you’re trying to be kind, like say to a child, but you’re going at this really intense thing, they might very well take it as if you’re angry. Absolutely. They don’t know the difference. So just think about what you’re using with your tone of voice. You may not be angry, right, but you sound angry.
Faith
If your dog knows that for heaven’s sakes, right? I mean, you could be saying, I love you to your dog. But if you’re saying it in a strong voice, that dog will cower very quickly. It doesn’t discern the words it discerns the tone, and it will either cower or come in The same thing is true for us as human beings.
Lois
So as we talk about what does finding your voice look like in your body, posture plays into this as well.
Faith
Yes, arms across your chest, I’m cutting you off, I don’t want to hear you, or I don’t feel safe. There’s another way to cross over your heart is a way to guard your heart. And to say, I’m not letting you in. I’m not making this connection with you. It also expresses anger, frustration, pointing the finger obviously right in and how you stand and if you’re really upright and kind of almost aggressive, that posture needs to be more relaxed if you especially if you’re going to have a confrontation.
Lois
Yes. Or even a conversation if you’re slumped. Yes, I’m somebody walks in and you’re just sitting there like this. I mean, it’s, it’s he or right off the bat and people will just presume that and it doesn’t mean you have to sit up like a ballet dancer and be perfect. But think about what you’re posture conveys to other people, your crossed arms, your all those kinds of things, because that sends a message way before your words. And this is all about how your body is speaking for you.
Faith
And sometimes there are those that will use the body language to get attention. Mm hmm. See how sad I am? Are you going to notice? Are you going to come over and say something? So our body language can actually be used to manipulate other people. And that’s not what it’s about. We don’t want to use it. We want to be honest and truthful and forthright. What do you need? And what what is it that is missing and what needs to be shared? That’s your responsibility. It’s not up to other people to read your body language and come and save you.
Lois
So your bodies can help you as you are trying to find your voice and one of them is with hand gestures. And if you were around faith, or myself, and when you have faith in me together in a room, it’s you know, Really the fact that we don’t knock over these microphones more often, we talk with our hands. And we are just so happy to know that gesturing with your hands actually improves your thinking process, which is why we do it because it helps me find the word I need to find in this season of my life. But I just, I find that hand gesturing, it lets people know that you’re actually really into the conversation, so don’t be worried about that.
Faith
Yeah, I don’t know what I would do if I had to sit on my hands. I wouldn’t get it said it is important and it’s not overpowering people. It’s it’s an expression. And it’s also what we grew up with, too. It’s like if you are around people who do some of that you’re going to learn those techniques as well. You know, it’s just I’m not Italian, but I sure could be.
Lois
And then mirroring what other people do. You know, sometimes you’re in a conversation and you’ve come in and you’ve just done something really big concern. talking like this, and you meet the person and they’re very quiet, and they’re subdued. And you realize that if you’re going to continue a conversation, one of you to pick it up or drop it down. And if you are the one, depending on where you are, and you’re the one trying to engage, and you’re trying to use your body in a vocal way here, mirroring, even how you breathe, and how you speak can make an enormous difference in engaging with the other person.
Faith
That’s being respectful.And if you happen to be the one that is, you know, talking more quickly, and you’re more, you know, an extrovert and the other person who’s more of an introvert, it really is kind of up to you to slow it down and to engage. Because why because you want to have a relationship, you want to make a connection, and expecting that other person to come up to where you are, is probably asking a bit too much that they can’t, they don’t have the skill or the understanding of what what that would even be so mirroring is about Beautiful way of saying I respect you, I see you, I want to respond to you, I want to engage with you.
Lois
You know, it’s probably why people say that you and I sound so much alike.
Faith
I know, right?
Lois
We it’s funny we have, you know, Faith and I, until this, the last three years have not worked together like this, but we find that we even sound more like and it’s a it is probably a level of respect that we just are doing. innately, which is really cool. So thank you.
Faith
Oh, thank you.
Lois
Okay, this could get gross..
Faith
And attention is another one while you’re listening to our podcast, your mind wanders, it just does. I mean, there’s no there’s no way to hold your attention. But when you’re in a conversation with something you really do want to connect. You really do want to be intentional about saying, Hey, I really am Here I am present. I am with you. I’m connecting with you. And that’s what the eye contact that’s with giving the world cues of you matter. And it’s interesting if you really have those words in your mind, I see you, you really matter, your whole face changes. Yeah, it changes immediately. Because it’s not a wall that’s up between the two of you. Now that walls come and there’s an engagement that happens, that other person sees us.
Lois
And so for any of you who take your phones with you everywhere, which is totally fine. If you can find a way to put them in a bag, or put them down on the seat, when you’re having a lunch with somebody, it makes such a difference, to not feel like someone is checking there. I’m not doing that really seriously. No, but you know, watch people all the time, and you realize they don’t have their attention with me. And so then I can just say anything, and see if it even bothers them. And sometimes it doesn’t, because they weren’t paying attention. But having that phone and distraction with that. We can’t control what other people do, but we can control what we do. So think about that. The next time you go And you have your phone handy. When you present your body in a sense your body leads, and what happens and what comes out without any words and how you demonstrate yourself will often give people a message. Is it one that you want to give them.
Faith
You want a positive atmosphere when you communicate, and you can use your body to make others feel heard and accepted, even with only a smile.
Lois
As you dig into conversation and stay present. Your posture and eye contact and hand gestures will more naturally express what you’re feeling.
Faith
Please share this podcast with a friend
Lois
And join us next week as we wonder how does finding your voice influence spirituality?
Faith
Sign up for our weekly newsletter on our website and subscribe to our podcast wherever you listen.
Lois
No matter what you face in relationships, your body, spirituality or your craft.
Faith
We are here to assure you there is always more to life.
Lois
We’ll be back next week