Note: More to Life with Faith and Lois is designed to be heard, not read. We hope you’ll listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that won’t be on this page. Our transcripts are generated with speech recognition software and may contain errors.
Lois
Welcome to the podcast More to Life with Faith and Lois.
Faith
I’m Faith.
Lois
And I’m Lois.
Faith
Our podcast explores the things you face in life that inspire and daunt you.
Lois
Well, hello, faith.
Faith
Hello Lois, this is a good morning.
Lois
It certainly is. And we are ready to move into our fourth theme of the year.
Faith
Oh, I can’t believe it. It’s just going by so fast, but this is good. It really is.
Lois
We’re going to be talking about finding your voice.
Faith
Oh my goodness. And it’s so important to have our voice because when we lose our voice, we lose a part of ourself, and we can lose our voice by going silent or talking too much.
Lois
That’s very true. Someone can take it away. So we’re going to look at the four areas again, the relationships, your body, spirituality and your craft because they are so key to all of this. So today we’re excited to launch the relationship part of this. But if you have missed any of these podcasts, we would love it if you check back on our website, which is www.moretolifewithfaithandlois.com. We’re also on every single podcast platform that is out there. So please subscribe. And if you would like our weekly newsletter, you can get our podcasts in your email every single Tuesday. And by the way, share them. When you when you listen, if you like one, share it and if you don’t reach out to us, but just share it anyway. So here we are at our next episode, how do you find your voice in your relationships?
Faith
Hmm, wow, for me, you know, finding my voice has been a journey. It’s been a major part of how did I lose my voice? And why did I become so tentative? And why did I restrict my voice for so many years, and finding it was years of stepping through different phases of discovery? Because oftentimes, we don’t know why we don’t speak up. But there’s Something somewhere inside of us that says you shouldn’t, and I had to overcome a lot of you shouldn’t, you shouldn’t speak, you shouldn’t tap your voice, or no one will listen or no one will really hear you. And if they really don’t hear you, they really won’t know you. If they really don’t know you, that really hurts. So there’s like this kind of a series of events that happened in my life. And now I have my voice, and I’m getting stronger in my voice. And I like that.
Lois
That is beautiful. It’s a great thing to have a voice. And, you know, for those of you who sing, or for someone like me who was in broadcasting a long time, people will just presume Will you have a voice you’ve always been able to sing or to speak. But sometimes the voices that we were carrying with us were the voices that we were trained under, or learned with, and so they weren’t necessarily our own voices. So just as a point of record, as we talk about finding your voice, it’s not just learning how to express yourself with a voice It’s actually what’s going on inside your heart of hearts. Because, you know, for me, for years, I felt I had to mimic the people around me. I wanted to make sure I was in agreement, because I felt then that I was approved up. So I really had your voice or someone else’s voice or my mother’s voice. I was so leery of wanting to challenge somebody because I didn’t want to be challenged. And so I didn’t really cultivate what I really believed what I really thought. So therefore, if I wasn’t cultivating that, and I was just mimicking what I learned, I didn’t have a voice and I never realized how much I didn’t have a voice until decades later that I was just copying what other people said and sounding like the person I wanted to become. And so think about that as you’re looking for your voice that it really is something that’s inside you. And now I do know what it means to express what I believe and I think and I feel and I feel like I’ve started to hone it. The biggest difference Is I’m not trying to change your mind. And I think before, the reason I mimicked everybody was because they were trying to change. I’ll just join them. And we’ll all just be this little force together instead of now. I’m just sharing what I think and what I feel. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. We can still have a cup of coffee. I really don’t mind. It’s just my voice. It’s what I think it’s what I want to share. And it feels so much better this way.
Faith
Hmm. Isn’t it great to not have to change somebody else’s mind.
Lois
A burden lifted, right? I wish I would have understood this from Dr. Seuss years ago when he said, Be who you are, and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter, don’t mind.
Faith
The wisdom of Dr. Seuss.
Lois
I really like that. So finding your voice and speaking up has a really strong likelihood that it’s going to bring up a lot of emotions for you and we do know that and you It may have a lot to do with what you learned in childhood, because that reflects how many of us speak to this day. And now that we’re mostly grown up, how have we adapted with what we’ve learned? And how do we relate to the people in our intimate sphere? Because we’re talking about our relationships here. So we are so thankful to Kathy Caprino. She wrote “Five steps to speaking up powerfully when you feel you can’t” in www.forbes.com. And it’s a great article, if you want to take a look at it. So if you’re having a challenging time, considering how to speak up, we have a few ideas for you.
Faith
And just what you mentioned is, you know, what did we learn in the earlier years, which is the foundational pieces and I grew up oh so much with children are to be seen and not heard. So right there in the very beginning, when there was a group of adults, children were to be seen, but they weren’t to be heard. And so we had to go into another room. We had to be separate. We had to play outdoors so that the adults could have their conversation, thank goodness, a lot of that has changed over time, to where now there’s more inclusion with adults and children as it should be. Because there’s a lot of wisdom that children can bring to us as well. But that was one way. And then also just that kind of that oppression of believing that you’re just a child, you don’t really have much to say, and you don’t have much to offer. So I had that. And I also had a wonderful person in my life, who did listen, who was engaged to would just spend her time getting down at eye level with me. And her name was Mrs. Peterson and she was my angel as a child who would come and make a connection and want to hear everything I had to say. So having had that experience, really locked in lodged itself within and I knew there was a better way, but there was also all the other fears that I’ve been taught to.
Lois
I think that’s so beautiful because When we can change that narrative and look at the story of those who did make a difference, and who allowed us to speak and who actually, we watched and said, Wow, they’re saying what they really believe what they really think. And then you get the freedom to do that. You know, recently I was with my seven year old granddaughter at an art show, and one of her pieces was selected to be posted at this wonderful place in part of Colorado. And we went to look at it. And I think when she saw her piece of artwork up on the wall, along with other students that had been selected, she realized that no matter what else is going on in her life, no matter what else she’s turned in, that was or wasn’t accepted. This piece was not only accepted, but it was highlighted, and at age seven to watch her, observe her own artwork up there and see that she was being showcased. My goodness. She’ll never forget those moments. She’ll never forget that. So somebody did something. They saw something she did and they read Her voice her artwork up to the front. And I thought that was something that was that was really powerful as a positive thing that we will remember those people who noticed us who paid attention to what we did and said, This is good.
Faith
So the wonderful gift that we can pass on to anyone, as a child as a teenager, even as an adult, is acknowledging their giftedness, their beauty, their wonder there’s something about them. It’s honoring their voice about who they are. Yes,we can do that.
Lois
And that’s what so when we say voice, you can hear that faith and I are stretching it all around, because it’s how you bless somebody how you lift them up, and that is soap and they won’t forget, they won’t forget. So we really love that. So if you’re having a challenging time considering how to speak up, think about what you need to say. Decide what you need to say. And there may be one specific thing you really need to communicate. So how can you make that concise? That you get your point across.
Faith
Well, one of the things I do with couples when I’m working with them, and they’re in a heated argument, and they don’t know how to break through, I will say to them, when you get into these spots, I want you to take a 15 minute break. 15 minutes only walk away from each other, go into a separate room. And during that 15 minutes, I want you to breathe, drink some water. And then I want you to narrow it down to what is the one sentence two sentences Max, but what is the one sentence you really want the other to hear? And then come back at the end of 15 minutes and you each get to say only that one sentence to each other. So what is it that each of you really want to say? It’s such a good starting point, because that’s what it’s all about. You’re not feeling heard. So we try to add by adding more words and that’s what I mentioned before we can talk too much. We can argue too much. We can be so demanding that the other The person has to get what we’re saying. But we’re not saying that, her that saying that one sense, here’s what I really need you to hear. This is what I this is what’s really important to me, that is having your voice. What is really important, not all the other words.
Lois
You know, because we are talkingabout how you find your voice in your relationships. So our goal is to see your relationships, intergenerational, you know, with your partners, I mean, whatever it is, rise up to the top. That’s the goal here. So what you just described, when we use too many words, when we explain too many things, which is my vote, something I’ve had to learn to stay away from, when I just say what I really need to say, that is so powerful and and then you stop, and then you then you hand it to somebody and they have to respond to it or not, but you event really clearly thought about you’re deciding what you want to say you’re thinking about it. So you’re honoring that person because you’re not just speaking something off.
Faith
That’s right.
Lois
And it’s it, you know, when you’re trying to have a conversation and to heal and to build up a relationship with somebody, the best way is to really think about it first. And sometimes we just want to do everything off the cuff. And there’s nothing wrong with being off the cuff at times. But there are times if there’s a message that we really want to get across. If you’re trying to lift up your voice. One way to do it is to be concise.
Faith
Yes, concise is so good. And then, of course, there’s finding your voice with love. Instead of just spouting off what you want to react to a response is saying, Where is my heart in this? Where is my care and my respect for the other person in this and stepping into it? Because we’ve talked so much about how do we want to be known? Do we want to be right? Do we want to just get our opinion out there? Or are we expressing who we really are? And do we want to be known that we are are kind and generous and respectful and invested in not just ourselves or our thoughts or opinions, but in other people. Well, if that’s true, that’s how you want to be known. Well then start here. Use your voice with love.
Lois
And think about everything you say, will it demean or belittle someone? Or will it lift them up? Or will it encourage and you may have a very difficult conversation you need to have with somebody, we’re not saying everything’s easy, you may have a difficult conversation that needs to be had, and you need your voice to come up and be brilliant and thoughtful and compassionate. You can still say all the things you need to say without tearing down the other person. And sometimes I think we forget that when we have a difficult and I put that in quotes conversation, then we think that we can just say what we need to say and almost be cruel about it. And yet if we can find our voice in love, and how we’re sharing things, the result can be beautiful, and not disastrous, and we may get a performance level out of the person we’re trying to work with, or even out of ourselves that is better than all of our expectations.
Faith
And I think if we stop and just weigh it for a moment, what is the outcome that we want? Do we want to see a disastrous outcome? Do we want to see anger? Do we want to see it kind of implode? Or do we want to see an instead, we want to see I need to confront this, but what is the instead? What is the outcome? Where would I like this to land? And what do you see in that person? Who are they really? Are you calling them up? Even in the confrontation? I mean, you can say this did not work. And I need to tell you, this did not work. But this is who you are. And I care about you and I see you and how can you see a different outcome for them in how can you work this out. And even if you’re an owner of a business and you have to let somebody go, you can still let them go and still honor and respect them.
Lois
Faith, you just said some beautiful things because then I feel heard. Yes. So when you in, it’s not that you’re going to say a nice thing. So you can say a bad thing. But you know you’re affirming somebody, because then they’re in a place where they can hear you. You have to remember so many times people aren’t hearing us, because they have tuned out our voice for so long. So if you want your voice, and what we’re talking about here is your energy and the way you need to communicate something to be real and to be accepted. Then think about how you package that and how you say these words with love.
Faith
That’s really good. And then there’s consequences.
Lois
Yes. Yeah. There, aren’t they I mean, when we do find our voice, and we do share, yes, we can’t control how someone’s going to respond to that.
Faith
Not at all. And we oftentimes will not speak up because we’re so afraid of the reaction. And we need to be able to separate out our voice from a reaction that we may or may not get the reaction the response of somebody Else is not based on us, it’s based on them. And we can improve upon that, how we confront them, how we speak to them, how we engage with them by using our words wisely. But we can, that’s still not a guarantee to how they’re going to react to us.
Lois
And that’s why when we are checking ourselves, and when we’re actually looking at what we’ve learned in earlier years, and then we’re moving into deciding exactly what we need to say, using love, those things can all be in place, and we can still wind up with somebody who’s not happy with what we had to say. And so we have to sit with that. Because sometimes speaking up, the way we need to finding our voice sharing that deep truth or something really important, needs to be said, and we can sit with it too with this tension. And it doesn’t have to dissolve a relationship, but we don’t get to control what somebody else does with that. So we can’t say that enough. Because sometimes People go, I just spoke the truth. And this person isn’t talking to me. How dare you? Why did you tell me to do that? Well, that’s because we don’t get to control or we’re not how another person responds. Uh huh.
Faith
And along with that, oftentimes, and we’re not always aware of this, we have a fantasy in our own mind about the outcome, we have something that we’ve already calculated. If I say this, and I say it really nicely, then this will be the outcome. You can’t count on that. No guarantees with that. And that’s where we have to let it go. Because we’re basically saying you should be reacting and responding to me because I said it this way. No, they shouldn’t. They’re going to respond to react However, they are going to respond to react, and we can’t control that. But we need to be who we are, stay with it, and just remain in that place through it no matter what the reaction is.
Lois
So as you find your voice In your relationships, you give birth to truth. I mean, this is so cool because maybe you’ve withheld speaking up because you really are afraid of what the result is going to be. But there is something that happens when you finally make a decision that you’re going to be transparent and honest and reveal things. Now, we’re not talking dark secrets here, but just being truthful with people because so much of our lives, we’re so afraid of not offending somebody that we don’t say what we really think. So when we start talking like that, by the way, and you’ve practiced it, and you’ve really kept it concise, you might end up finding even if people don’t like what you have to say, this release, like, Oh, I have been holding this in for so long. And now, this is who I am. And you get the full monty – kind of.
Faith
Okay, that’s, that’s one way to put it.
Lois
And it doesn’t mean we don’t still establish boundaries. You know, once you once you share something, you may realize that you, you end up in a situation where there couldn’t be a conflict. And you have to think about how you deal with this. But there is a freedom in finally saying, you know what, you’re right, I probably haven’t shared because I’ve been afraid. And now I’m starting to share. I’m inching my way in, I’m not banging you on the head. I’m not trying to change your mind. But it does give this it’s as if you’re giving birth. And there is this pain of doing this because you realize that you might not have the same kind of relationship you had in the past.
Faith
And there’s one other form of birth that you’d give when you speak truth, and that is a birth to finding better ways within yourself to express truth. And as I have spoken truth over the years, I have learned to refine it, and to become more skilled at it and to be more caring into and find ways of holding it and knowing when to speak and when not to speak it. So it’s speaking truth is a learning process. It’s not a one and done. It’s an I just spoke the truth, therefore, no, you it’s it’s a refinement. And I’m still refining how I speak truth. And we should never stop that.
Lois
Yeah, because it is it’s a process as we know so much on this journey and, and the more you do it, the better you’ll become added. So if you do have this urge to find your voice and to speak, and you stop, well, then you’ve got to start again because the faith is describing something really great. You get better at it as you go. And believe me, you’ll start and do a few things that you go – oh I could have done that better.
Faith
I sure did.
So by the way, if you do decide to go for it this week and share something powerful with somebody that you haven’t spoken up. we’d love it if you’d let us know. So if you’d use our social media or our website and just let us know what you shared and How’d that go for you. When you find your voice with the people who matter most to you. You are trusting them with your truth. How they choose to respond to you and to what you share is up to them. knowing you’re speaking up from a place of kindness is the best you can offer.
Faith
When you find the truth, you’re ready to express, practice it and share it with confidence.
Lois
And join us next week as we wonder, what does finding your voice look like in your body?
Faith
Sign up for our weekly newsletter on our website and subscribe to our podcast wherever you listen.
Lois
No matter what you face in relationships, your body, spirituality or your craft.
Faith
We are here to assure you there is always more to life.
Lois
We’ll be back next week.